Silent Knight-Part One
by JadziaVu
Summary: Can a broken mind be mended? Bruce Wayne will discover just how far he is willing to go to find out. (A Harley/Joker Fanfic)
1. Ha-Ha-Holiday Season

**Warning: Contains spoilers for 'Mad Empire' and 'Harleen'!**

**Cast (So Far):**

**Harley Quinn: Kristen Bell**

**The Joker: Heath Ledger**

**Joey Asaro: Vin Diesel**

**Killer Croc: Michael Clarke Duncan**

* * *

Harley checked the digital alarm clock next to her bed again. The Joker was due home three hours ago and she was beginning to worry that her husband had fallen in with his pointy eared enemy on his way home from the boxing fight. She began cursing herself for not joining him tonight while she rolled onto her back and stared at the dark ceiling. She was just about to glance at the clock again when there was a sudden painful yelp from the foyer and she heard Joey's voice echo through her bedroom door.

"Boss! What happened?"

She threw the covers back and hurried to the door, throwing it open and squinting as the harsh light stabbed at her constricting pupils. Another yelp penetrated her ears and she turned her attention to the two men entering the room through the door beneath the stairs. Their friend, Croc, was helping The Joker across the floor while he clutched his left arm and winced in pain, releasing a strained cry every few steps. Harley rushed toward them with wide strides.

"Goddamnit, what happened?" she asked in a tone which was much more annoyed than concerned.

Croc's eyes widened like a child who had gotten his friend in trouble and now must deal with the wrath of his angry mother.

"Uh, hey Ms. Quinn", he greeted her short frame nervously, "De Joker and me, we uh, we been-"

"Drinking? Yeah, I could smell you before you came through the damn door", she scolded as she stood by her inebriated husband's side.

"Gah!", he yelled again, "My fucking shoulder!"

She quickly grabbed his suit coat and began pulling it backwards. There was no blood or sign of tearing, so she wasn't sure what could be the problem until she removed the covering to reveal the large bump under the shoulder of his green button up shirt. Palpating the area, she knew instantly that the arm had been dislocated and her residual memory of Dr. Quinzel's medical training kicked in. He hobbled where he stood, grimacing with the thick scent of liquor on his breath while she hastily unbuttoned his shirt.

"How long has he been like this?" she asked Croc as she removed the vest.

"Uh, maybe like fifteen minutes."

She pulled off the button up shirt and tossed it aside.

"Lay down", she demanded angrily to her husband.

He began to comply, but flinched as the bare skin of his back touched the marble floor.

"I said lay down!"

"It's fuckin' cold!"

Their pet hyenas were prancing merrily around them on the floor, unaware that this was not an amusing game.

"Boys, go lay down!", their mother commanded and they lowered their ears as they ran back into the bedroom.

She pushed a hand into The Joker's muscular chest and forced him backward, sitting next to him to grab onto the dislocated arm. She placed a foot into his ribs and abducted the arm slightly.

"SON-OF-A!", The Joker screamed, swinging the other arm around to catch Harley sharply in the jaw, sending her flying back onto the floor.

She rubbed her face and sat back up angrily, kicking him in the ribs.

"Hold still, Dumb Shit!", she scolded him, "Croc, pin him down!"

Her friend reluctantly obliged with her request and she grabbed the arm again, pulling while her husband screamed and writhed on the floor. With one good tug she finally managed to yank the humeral head out of its place and back into the socket. She released him and scooted backward on the floor with a satisfied grin with her face throbbing, and Croc stepped quickly back to allow his friend to move again. He leapt up from the floor and his furious face snapped over to meet with Harley's.

"Why you little…", he muttered as he approached her.

She stood confidently, ready for defense, and bravely stared him down though her heart was beating wildly in her ears.

"Don't be stupid, Puddin', you know I had to do that", she warned him calmly.

He crossed his good arm in front of him to bring the back of his hand across her face, but his motions were slow and clumsy in his drunken stupor and she was able to react with a punch to his sensitive shoulder. She didn't hit it very hard, only enough to make her point, but it was just enough for him to stagger backward as the pain overtook him.

"Ughnn! I'll kill you!" he yelled through gritted teeth and she rolled her eyes.

"Would you quit being an ass and just come to bed?"

He stepped over to her and gripped her throat between the fingers of his uninjured limb. She returned the retaliation by reaching down to grab a handful of the crotch of his slacks and he loosened his hold on her neck slightly.

"You'll let go of those if you know what's best for you, Little Girl", he snarled.

She raised an eyebrow, "Or you'll what, kill me? Go ahead. I dare you."

The fury in his narrowed glare relaxed and a small grin crept onto his face as he chuckled darkly in his throat.

"You know what I love most about you, Harley?", he asked her, removing his hand to place the arm around her waist and pull her into him, "You got balls almost as big as mine."

"Almost", she responded with a grin.

He leaned in to kiss her and she accepted his full lips with a seductive nibble that made him moan under his breath.

"I got'sta get goin', Joker", Croc's voice interrupted them, "Candy gonna be wonderin' where we was and-"

The Joker cut him off with the nervous gesture of his fingers slicing the air across his neck and he nodded.

"I'll be seein' ya, man. Ms. Quinn."

He turned to leave quickly and The Joker looked down to notice his wife staring him down with a disapproving glare. He gave her a cheesy grin, but her expression was carved in stone. He pushed her softly aside and started for the Cigar Lounge that was their bedroom and office.

"Well?" he heard her ask behind him, "Where the hell were you tonight?"

"At the fight, like I told ya", he responded as he walked, removing his fedora and loosening his belt.

Harley and Joey exchanged a glance as he sat back down at his post, and she released a frustrated sigh, stomping behind her husband to follow him into the bedroom where she shut the door loudly behind them.

"So you were cheering so hard you just happened to sublux your shoulder again, huh?" she asked him, arms crossed in her chest.

He continued to undress in silence and she was growing impatient.

She stomped her foot, "JOKER!"

He jumped slightly, "What?"

"What the hell happened tonight?"

Kicking off his shoes, he walked slowly over to her with a smile and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Boys will be boys, Dearest", he assured her, "Nothing to worry about, I promise. You believe me, right?"

She rolled her eyes with a sigh, "Not really, no."

He chuckled and kissed her forehead, "Come on, Princess, let's go to bed. I'm tired and we have a long day of Christmas planning to do tomorrow."

She reached up and grabbed the back of his neck gently in both of her small hands.

"Puddin' please don't brush me off. Tell me what happened to you tonight", she pleaded, blue eyes piercing right through him.

He tilted his head back with a sigh and stepped backward a few feet to land onto the mattress.

"If I tell you it was the Dork Knight will you flip shit and go looking for him again?"

Her knuckles cracked under her fists while her jaw clenched at the thought of the vigilante vermin laying his filthy clubs on her precious husband. He lifted his head to grin at her and noticed her furious expression.

"Oh, come now", he cooed at her, "I'm fine, Baby, see?" He rotated the shoulder and resisted the urge to grimace at its soreness, "Now, get your sexy ass over here and make me feel better."

A small smile escaped her lips and she tilted her head to give him a coyly teasing expression. He wriggled a beckoning finger at her and she walked over to him, lifting her short legs onto the bed to straddle his lap where he lay while he placed his rough hands softly onto her hips.

"Ho-ho-ho", he quipped.

"What did you call me?" she smirked and he laughed.

Leaning over with a smile, she could see the bruising already spreading on his shoulder and began placing sweet kisses over the tender area.

"Mean ol' Bats beatin' up on my poor Puddin'", she cooed, "Makes me wanna take my sledge hammer to his thick skull and watch the blood pool under the Christmas tree."

The Joker's breath increased slightly and he began stroking his fingers through her hair.

"Then what?" he whispered.

Harley smiled and let her kisses travel slowly down his heaving chest.

"Then, I'd tie up that little Bat Bitch of his and prod him with red-hot pokers until he squealed like a stuck pig", she teased.

"Baby…"

He closed his eyes while she continued to journey down his torso and around the musculature of his waist. When she reached the buttons of his slacks, they were pulled undone with the swift motion of her small fingers and she was able to continue her kissing uninterrupted. When the pleasure hit him, he released a sigh and attempted to place his hands behind his head, but the pain in his shoulder presented a problem and he decided to grab onto a handful of the bed sheets instead. The other hand reached down and tangled its fingers in her long blonde hair while she worked her magic, driving him wild as fireworks flew in his vision. After eight years of practice, she had perfected her technique to an exquisite art and he could hear his heart beating in his ears while he began to moan. The pain soon became a distant and unconcerning memory, and he sat up to prop his elbows beneath him for support so he could watch her, breathing heavily. His eyes continued to retreat up into their sockets, but he fought them with as much power as he was able while he concentrated intently on maintaining his composure. The long fingers wrapped themselves in Harley's hair again and tugged at her scalp while she reached up with a delicate hand to stroke along the exposed skin of his torso, making goosebumps spread beneath her fingertips.

"You're trying to embarrass me aren't you?" he shuddered at her.

She giggled and shrugged, but didn't stop and he was forced to grab both sides of her head with his hands.

"Okay wait, whoa, hang on a minute!" he panted.

Looking up at him with a sly grin, she rested her elbow into the mattress and laid her chin into it as if she was waiting for the bus.

"It's not like I'm going to tell the boys if you don't last longer than five minutes, Puddin'", she said playfully, "It's a compliment, really."

He lay back onto the bed and tried to gather his senses about him, "It's the principle, damnit. I'm forty-six, not sixteen."

She chuckled and rolled her eyes, face still resting on her arm.

"Okay, I'm good", he said after a few more seconds.

"Nah, I think I've had enough", she retorted.

His head shot up,"What?"

"Kidding", she snickered, "Geeze, so touchy."

He lay his head back onto the bed and suddenly realized that resting may have been a mistake. His senses were now in hyperdrive after their short break and he held his breath as his eyes squeezed tightly shut.

"Would you just enjoy it instead of trying to set a world record?" he heard Harley scold him and he released the breath slowly, "Just relax."

He willed his muscles to relax beneath him, but his breath continued to hitch involuntarily while the intense pleasure traveled up his spine like lightning. His fingers gripped the sheets and his chest began to heave erratically while he lost the fight with his eyes to roll up into his skull.

"Mmnhh, Harley…fuck!" he shuddered and his entire body tensed in a tonic contraction while the waves of ecstasy clouded his thoughts as well as the world around him for what seemed like an eternity.

When it was over, he lay in complete relaxation while his breathing began to slow to a normal pace and could feel the weight of the mattress change as his wife climbed up next to him.

"How's the shoulder?" she asked him.

He chuckled quietly, "What shoulder?"

"Merry Christmas, that's all you get this year", she teased.

His eyes remained closed, but he made a thoughtful expression, "I could live with that."

She laughed and stood from the bed, "Come on, up! You're taking up the whole bed and I want to go to sleep."

"Hm? What? Huh?", he muttered sleepily, refusing to move from his comfortable spot.

"Up!"

He grumbled and lifted his lower extremities to roll into his place on the bed while his wife tucked her small legs in behind his and wrapped his waist with a loving arm. She sat up briefly to kiss his head and lean back, switching off the lamp on her bedside table before snuggling closely up behind him, listening to him breath while he fell quickly to sleep.


	2. Turtle Ducks

**Warning: This chapter contains spoilers for 'Harleen', 'Mad Empire', 'Pranksgiving', and 'Earth Angel'. Honestly, all my stories build off one another, so it's really just a good idea to read them in chronological order.**

* * *

"FIVE-GOLD-RINGS!"

Harley jolted with surprise and had to grab onto the prickly branches of the evergreen tree to keep her balance atop the step stool, nearly bringing it toppling to the floor with her as The Joker's voice rang through the foyer. A few of the 'ornaments' fell lose and bounced across the floor.

"Would you quit that shit!", she scolded him.

He snickered childishly and stuck his head around the side of the tree so he could see her, "Shouldn't you be use to it by now?"

She regained her balance and adjusted the string of purple and green lights she had just disheveled, unsuccessfully attempting to suppress her smile, "There are more words to the song than that, you know."

He grinned and disappeared around the other side again, "Yeah yeah, somethin' about French chickens and turtle ducks. Not as much fun to say."

She rolled her eyes with a grin and continued hanging the 'ornaments' around the tree. The growing popularity of Batman and Robin's crime fighting escapades had successfully pegged the pair as cultural icon in Gotham City over the last few years, and the Gotham Toy Co. had decided to take advantage of their notoriety by earning an extravagant income from their image. Nearly every boy and girl under the age of twelve owned a collectable action figure of the fighting duo, and since confronting the company with a lawsuit for illegal use of their likeness without consent would reveal their secret identities, the two vigilantes really had no say in the matter. The idea had been presented through a lawyer representing the important benefactor and recent co-owner of the Toy Co. which no one had ever met in person; a Mr. Jack White. The alias had been Harley's idea, and of course the Great Detective had cracked the code on it ages ago, but that was whole the point. His sworn enemies earned millions every year selling miniature versions of him to unknowing children all over Gotham while they pointed and laughed in their greasepaint clown masks at his inability to protest in any way. It was an ongoing joke with the greatest punch line and the couple guffawed at the irony each Christmas when the sales would skyrocket, sending mountains of cash flowing into their sham off-shore bank account.

The Joker reached down into one of the dozens of open boxes that littered the marble floor and pulled out a Dark Knight Action Figure, yanking the head off with a _pop_. He handed it up to his wife who then tied a string around it before dangling it from a thin branch of the tall tree which was nearly completely covered with other assorted plastic body parts.

"FIVE-GOLD-RINGS!", The Joker belted unexpectedly.

Harley jumped slightly again and he could hear her mutter a threat under her breath while he chuckled, pulling another extremity from the torso of a Robin doll.

"Jumpy as a damn cat", he snickered to himself.

There was a loud shriek from the end of the foyer and she shook again, this time losing her footing and falling backward off her perch. He threw the toy onto the floor and reached out to catch her in the decent. She landed easily, cradled in his arms like a rescued damsel in distress.

"Well hello, Gorgeous", he smirked, "Got a boyfriend?"

"Harley, how could you?", a female voice echoed at them from the location of the shriek and they glanced over to find a disturbed Ivy shielding her eyes while her new boyfriend, Joey, attempted to console her.

"Oh shit", Harley whispered, wiggling in her husband's arms for him to put her down, "This is why I told you to get a live tree with the roots intact!"

He leaned down to set her on her feet, "And I told you I'm not haulin' that heavy fucker just so The Plant can save herself a few nightmares."

The couple began walking toward the grief stricken Ivy, and The Joker rolled his eyes as Joey placed his hand on his girlfriend's face and pulled her in for a soft kiss. Harley giggled when her husband made an expression of disgust and playfully elbowed him in the ribs.

"I hope you had your cootie shot, Joey", he told his henchman.

"As a matter of fact, _Clown_, you are the only one standing here who isn't immune to my toxins. So, I'd be a good boy if you don't want poisonous coal in your stocking for Christmas", Ivy retorted.

"Funny joke, _Plant_, but I have a little something up my own sleeve that'll have you _dying_ with laughter, and I guarantee you won't be immune", he returned with a dark grin.

"Can't you two get along for just one day?" Harley groaned.

Her husband looked over at her innocently and pointed a finger in Ivy's direction, "She threatened me first!"

He poked him softly in the chest, "I want you _both_ to stop it."

Snatching her finger with a grin, he placed it in his mouth and bit down playfully on the middle knuckle while she giggled.

"Gross", Ivy grumbled.

His head snapped toward her with a hateful glare, "You got a reason for showin' your ugly mug 'round here or did you just come over ta piss me off?"

Ivy returned his gaze with equal discontent and Harley stepped in between them.

"I invited her over, Puddin'. She's going with me to Angel's Christmas pageant tonight", she explained calmly.

His eyes shifted to her, "What? Harley, you know I don't like you going to those school functions."

"I can't _not_ go."

"All it takes is one yuppy bastard to call you out and your ass is back in Arkham!", he barked.

"Hasn't happened yet!"

"Gah!", he yelled, throwing his arms in the air and turning to walk quickly back to the Cigar Lounge where he slammed the door.

Harley and Ivy exchanged a cool glance.

"He'll get over it", the blonde muttered with a shrug.

An hour passed by as the women readied themselves in the bathroom of the Cigar Lounge and The Joker sulked on the couch in the foyer, drawing schematics and balancing chemical equations on a large notepad. He knew he couldn't stop Harley from mingling dangerously in the public eye to be a silent part of Angel's life, but it drove him crazy to think what would happen if she were thrown into Arkham again. He had nearly lost her last time and he wasn't sure how much her fragile mind could stand should it be attacked again. He chewed the eraser of his pencil while his mind reflected on their first encounters and how he had hated her. That irritatingly confident grin etched across her sickeningly professional demeanor. The ridiculously transparent and self-righteous complacency of a naïve girl who thought she had the world and its inhabitants clearly defined and categorized. She had certainly come a long way since those days.

He pulled the rubber tip from his teeth and began doodling abstractly onto the paper as he recalled the first time he had ever met 'Harley', and how he had instantly fallen completely and hopelessly smitten for her. He had discovered Dr. Harleen Quinzel's darkest secret within the first month of therapy with her at Arkham. One so deep and disturbing even she wouldn't confide the truth to herself within her own cracking mind. 'The Doctor' had been the first one to be introduced to him and he hated her to this day. 'Harleen' had surfaced momentarily during a session only a few weeks later, but the transition was so subtle, he had almost believed she was only teasing him. It wasn't until Harley had emerged that he suddenly realized what made her brilliant mind tick, who the real engineer behind the scenes was, and he was determined to have her. Even if it meant staying locked in Arkham for another year to get her.

The Joker chuckled to himself and laid down the pencil and paper, scooting downward in the couch to lay his head back and daydream. He could remember the first time he had ever laid eyes on her. It was the morning after they had taken him into Arkham for the first time, and following a needlessly rough medical exam, he had been placed into a small concrete room with two guards and a table. His hands and ankles were cuffed and retrained to the bolted furniture just and the adrenaline rush ebbed completely from his exhausted body. His eyelids had become heavy and drooped closed while he awaited yet another examination from his new 'doctor'.

_The large metal knob turned slowly on the door and his eyes remained closed while he heard the faint clicking of sensible clinic shoes on the concrete floor. _

'_A woman', he thought to himself, 'Don't they know who I am?'_

_The clicking ceased for a moment while she stood and looked at him, then resumed as she approached and pulled out a chair to sit across from him at the table. She cleared her throat nervously and he repressed his smirk._

"_Mr. Joker?", he addressed him, resounding youthfulness in her voice, "My name is Dr. Harleen Quinzel, and I will be your psychiatrist here at Arkham."_

_It was finally too much for him and he was forced to release a dark chuckle, eyes still closed._

"_Mr. Joker. Now that's a new one", he responded with a grin._

"_Oh? What do people usually call you? Or perhaps you'd like me to call you by your real name?"_

'_Stupid girl', he thought, 'You don't honestly think it is going to be that easy do you? Oh, you are going to be too much fun.'_

_He finally looked at her and was instantly penetrated by the piercing blue of the large eyes that stared back at him. She was admittedly one of the most beautiful women he had ever had the pleasure of addressing, even if her composure did teeter dangerously on the edge of frigid. Her blonde hair was pulled into a tight bun and a few disheveled strands hung loosely around the frame of her black rimmed reading glasses. Her complexion was perfection in a milky white tone, and even in sitting, he could tell she was a petite little thing. _

'_Well, well. At least I'll have something nice to look at.'_

"_I usually get just 'Joker'. Or Freak or Clown…or God", he leaned in close to make his point more intimate and uncomfortable for her, "but I only get that one on very special occasions."_

_He lifted his eyebrow with a wink and she averted her crystal eyes while her soft face filled with a crimson hue, making him chuckle in his throat triumphantly._

'_Oh yes, too much fun.'_

_It was all too easy and he couldn't help but wonder why Arkham would ever agree to assign such an obviously ill-equipped piece of fresh meat like her to a case like his. His grin widened as he studied her anxious and blushing features while she sifted hastily through the file in front of her. _

'_Yeah, she's a cute one, she is. Little…what's her name, again?'_

"_What did you say your name was, Sweets?" he asked her, digging for a reaction._

_Refusing him eye contact, she cleared her throat nervously, "Dr. Quinzel."_

"_Quinzel, yeah, but your first name…"_

_She stopped shuffling papers and hesitated for a moment before looking up at him with new found confidence, "Harleen. Harleen Quinzel."_

"_Harleen Quinzel", he mimicked slowly, letting the letters roll off his tongue with filthy perversion, "A bit backwoods trailer park, but I like it. Rework it a bit and you get-"_

"_-Harley Quinn or Harlequin, like the clown", she interjected quickly, "I know, I've heard it before."_

'_Cocky little bitch. But still, it's kinda sexy.'_

"_Puts a smile on my face", he smirked, "It suits you, Doc."_

_Physically he was instantly attracted to her, but intellectually, he would have liked to run a hacksaw through her skull._

The sweet song of Harley's laugher filled the foyer and The Joker opened his eyes, ascending back into the present.

'Of course', he admitted to himself, 'that was then.'


	3. Black Jack

A brunette head poked over the back of the couch and a pair of blue eyes hovered over The Joker. The wig was a dark chocolate colored bob that ended at the chin and rested on Harley's forehead with a blunt bang. She smiled down at him with burgundy lips and he shook his head playfully at her.

"What have you done to my wife?", he asked.

"I know nothing of this wife you speak of", she answered with a deep Russian accent, "My name is Svetlana and I am much better lover than she."

He chuckled, "Doubtful, Darlin', she gives one hell of a good blowjob."

"Puddin', not in front of Red!"

"Oh god, someone cut my ears off!", Ivy's voice exclaimed before she looked over the couch next to Harley, long blonde wig flowing past her shoulders.

The Joker sat up with a grin, "That can be arranged. You girls headin' out?"

Harley leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips, caressing a scar with her thumb, "Yep, should be back in a few hours."

"Take your gun and be careful."

Ivy smiled slightly. She may not have cared for her friend's husband as far as demeanor was concerned, but she had to admit to approving of his protective nature when it came to her. The brunette tugged his earlobe playfully and the two incognito women started for the door, dressed in their finest suburban housewife attire. The Joker watched them leave, cracking his knuckles as the tension set in. He would have loved to join them in watching Angel perform the coveted role of Mary in the school Christmas Pageant, but his scars were not something that could easily be concealed beneath a wig made of donated human hair. As much as he had cared for the little girl who lived with them for a month, he had never truly allowed himself to fall completely in love with her as Harley had, and he could never bring himself to deny her the opportunity to be as close as she could to the daughter she would never be able to hug again. He scratched his head with a sigh and lifted himself over the back of the couch, nodding at Joey as he headed into the Cigar Lounge to begin work on the new chemical compound he had created in order to distract his busy mind for a few hours. Bud and Lou stood from their places on the cool marble floor beneath the henchman's feet and followed their owner into the room. As The Joker began readying his make-shift chemical laboratory which was once a martini bar, the beasts cackled and licked at his hands to gain his attention. He looked down at Lou with a grin and rubbed his head with his knuckles.

"What's the matter, boys? You miss Mom already?"

Bud jumped up to place his massive paws on The Joker's waist. He grabbed his pet by the head and scratched beneath his ears gently, "She'll be home soon. Hey, who wants a steak?"

The mammals knew that word very well, and they began to bounce and laugh with excitement, salivating in their joy.

"Joey!"

"Yes, Sir!"

"Get my boys a steak will ya?"

"Sure thing, Boss", Joey called from the foyer before whistling for the hyenas to follow him into the kitchen. They took off in a sprint and danced around his legs with anticipation while the three disappeared into the Banquet Hall, and The Joker closed the bedroom door behind them. He turned back to return to his lab, glancing over at Harley's desk as he passed. A medical book was propped open next to the computer keyboard and he ventured over to scan the page briefly. She often read through medical texts in order to maintain her knowledge of emergency healthcare for instances like the other night when The Batman had thrown him into a wall, dislocating his shoulder yet again. This book, however, was one on psychiatric rehabilitation and he furrowed his eyebrows.

"What's she doin' readin' this horse shit?" he thought out loud.

He reached down and turned the page to find a few handwritten notes marked in the margin, one of which bore the name Clancy Steerman, a former patient of Dr. Quinzel's. He had never met the man, but in a way, he had to thank the lunatic for playing a major role in bringing the couple together. His mind began to drift back in time once again and a sideways smirk escaped his lips as he thought of the first time Harley had ever stepped out to challenge him, fully capturing his obsessive attention.

_The Joker rolled over on his cot, facing the wall in an attempt to change the scenery and alleviate the excruciating boredom that was driving him quickly into madness. The padded covering was cracked here and there, and a faint tinge of crimson stained the pleather surface in a few splattered places. He groaned and began rocking his head, beating it into the padding. The elevator at the end of the main hall dinged and the sound of clacking heels echoed into his cell followed by the sound of more masculine steps. He lifted his head in the dark and peered through the glass as the sound drew closer. After a few seconds the blonde doctor he had met yesterday appeared, accompanied by a short balding man with an ecstatic smile. They paused just in front of his cell and the man took the petite woman's hand, shaking her arm vigorously under the sleeve of her white coat. The Joker lifted his chin to get a better view of her legs, but they were covered by a pair of professional black slacks and he rolled onto his back to silently watch the pair in interest._

"_Dr. Quinzel, I can't tell you how much I appreciate everything you've done for me", the man exclaimed._

_She released his hand politely and adjusted her black glasses, "That's quite alright, Mr. Steerman, just doing my job."_

_The Joker rolled his eyes with a scoff._

"_Now please, continue with your medications as instructed on the bottle and if you have any questions or if any concerns arise in the future, don't hesitate to call me. You know how to reach me."_

'I'd like to know how to reach you', the new inmate thought to himself with a lust-filled grin.

"_Yes, yes. I'm certain I'll be just fine", the man responded._

"_I know you will. I think that must be your taxi, then."_

_The Joker sat forward onto his elbows and tried to lean so that he could see through the glass to the security doors down the hall._

'The fuck? They're letting him go?'

"_Oh, yes okay. Thank you again, Dr. Quinzel, again and again."_

"_Let us know once you arrive at the half-way home, and again once you obtain employment. They will have all the resources available for you to begin your new life"_

'You gotta be shittin' me, Lady!'

_He stared in disbelief as the man tipped his hat and shook hands with everyone in his path until he was finally outside, riding away into freedom. Scoffing, The Joker laid back and crossed his arms in his chest._

"_He'll be back", he mentioned, hoping the doctor had heard him._

"_Excuse me?" she asked and he grinned with satisfaction._

"_He'll-be-back", he said again, making sure to emphasize each word with a dark growl._

"_And what makes you say that, Mr. Joker?"_

_He smirked to himself in the dark and sat slowly up to stand from his cot and walk into the light next to the glass, placing his hands upon it while he stared down at her blue eyes. It surprised him again how young she appeared to be and he suddenly had the overwhelming urge to bury his face deep into her soft neck and breathe her in._

"_What makes you think he won't be?", he questioned slyly, "Is he 'cured'?"_

_His fingers made the sign for quotation marks in the air as he made his point and her young features transitioned quickly into that of a much more seasoned psychiatric physician before she retorted confidently._

"_By this hospital's standards, yes."_

"_Oh, it's a hospital now is it?" he responded in feigned surprise, "See, that's funny 'cause when I was brought here, they told me it was a prison."_

"_It's both."_

"_Both."_

"_Yes, it's a place for people to come to rehabilitate who, because of their mental state, have committed an act that is deemed unacceptable by law."_

_The ridiculous notion that he was a candidate for rehabilitation was almost too much for The Joker to handle and he was forced to respond with a hysterical laughing fit as he turned around to place his back to the glass and slide to the floor. She really was young if she believed for an instant that he was a broken mind that could be repaired and released back into the wild. He would have liked to have just one hour to prove to her what the world and its inhabitants were really like. It would shock the smile right off her pretty pink lips if she ever knew how much like him they all truly were beneath their cleverly painted exteriors, which was exactly why he chose to wear his greasepaint soul on the outside for everyone to see. It was a cruel reflection of the very monster which lurked within each and every one of the very people who wished to see him locked away forever. A mockery of their attempts to control the outward appearance of the crumbling and corrupt society that would very soon destroy itself from the inside out, and the fact that she had chosen the very career that sought to shield it meant she wore the thickest mask of all. She was hiding from something and it was the peak of his interest to uncover just what that dark secret was. _

"_You'll see soon enough, Mr. Joker, our sessions begin tomorrow morning", she yelled over his cackling "Now, if you'll excuse me."_

_He had touched a nerve. This conversation was suddenly very interesting and he knew exactly how to draw her in to the very position where he wanted her._

"_You a bettin' woman, _Harleen_?" he called to her over his shoulder as she walked away._

"_I'd prefer it if you would address me as Dr. Quinzel, please."_

'Hook…'

"_Why?", he asked innocently, "Harleen is your name, too, is it not?"_

"_It's too informal for our patient-doctor relationship, I'm afraid", he could hear the impatience growing in her sweet voice, "It would be inappropriate."_

_He jumped quickly up from the floor and towered over her again, "Rules, rules, rules. What are you hiding from, _Harleen_?"_

_The clear irritation was breaking down her professional composure and he felt the perverse excitement growing under his skin as he watched her shut her eyes and take a breath in an attempt to maintain her cool, "We can finish this discussion tomorrow, Mr. Joker. Have a good day."_

_Watching her hips sway beneath the tail of her white coat as she walked away, he knew she was right where he wanted her._

"_I'll make you a bet, Doc. If he isn't back in the next six months…I'll tell you my name."_

_She halted where she was and turned a shocked expression to him over her shoulder._

'Line…'

_She turned around slowly and walked toward him while he smiled at her through the glass._

"_And if he does return?" she asked._

'And sinker!'

_He lowered himself so they were eye to eye, nose to nose, and he could smell the flowery scent of her blonde hair through the slits in the glass, "You have to tell me what you're hiding from behind that diploma, Harleen."_

_The smell traveled through his senses and burned his skin with sudden desire, forcing a million erotic fantasies into his mind. He knew he wanted nothing in the world more than to be inside of her at that moment, but he would settle for what he knew was more likely._

"_And I get a kiss", he added to the agreement with a smoochy face and a laugh, intent on eventually feeling the touch of her warm skin on his._

_She rolled her eyes and stepped closer to him in front of the glass, making his blood pressure rise while his heart beat in his ears. The excitement was almost too much for him and he silently cursed the transparent barrier between them. There was another shift in her features, subtle yet inexcusable. Her eyes became malicious and darkened, the muscles in her jaw protruded as her teeth gritted, and a strange new confidence exuded from her. It was nothing like the look she had given him in the medical wing, it was different somehow, but he couldn't place it. It was almost as if she was suddenly a completely different woman and he realized he found her overwhelmingly alluring._

"_Deal" she sneered at him, teeth clenched between her snarling lips. _

_An electric shock shot down The Joker's spine and he was mentally blown backward in the heat of a massive explosion. He stood over her again and rested his forearm on the glass above his head._

"_Ya know something? I like you, Doc. I really do. I think we're gonna be good friends", he told her in earnest._

_She shot him a smug grin through slanted eyelids and turned quickly on her small heels to walk toward the elevators._

"_I hope so, Mr. Joker", she called back to him over her shoulder, satisfied in getting the last word. _

_His smile disappeared as he watched her go and struggled with the notion that his attraction to her may actually be something more than a vicious desire for sexual conquest. He had had sex with many women since his wife's murder, each less meaningful than the next, and performed for the sole purpose of hormonal relief. Just like any other man, he had needs and desires that required fulfillment, but he had not once ever considered any of these women beyond their temporary role. This woman, however, stirred something in him. Something he had not realized still existed until their interaction moments earlier. He laid his head onto his forearm and shut his eyes as the guilt rose in his gut. Returning to his cot, he lay there as the long ours ticked by and finally decided to call the whole thing off, end the game before it got out of hand. The elevator dinged in the hall and the soft clacking entered the room again. He sat quickly up on his bed and stared out the glass._

'Come on, Jack', he scolded himself for his boyish behavior, 'What the hell is wrong with you?'

_Dr. Quinzel soon walked quickly by carrying her white coat over an arm. Her hair had been let down and the blonde strands brushed her back as she walked. The black glasses had been removed and she glanced quickly over at him with a dark expression as she passed by. His heart jumped into his throat when he locked with her blue eyes, and he was forced to admit that he had gotten in too deep with this one. The security doors at the front of the hall opened for her and she disappeared behind them. He shot up from his cot and began pacing the small cell like an encaged tiger, fisted clenched tightly. His arm swung out and he punched the padded wall with all his might._

'Stupid fuckin' girl! She's doing this on purpose.'

_He punched the wall again and felt his temperature rise before walking back over to his cot and flopping down onto its hard mattress. Laying his elbows onto his knees, he laced his fingers together and rested his chin upon them angrily, breathing heavily. This game wasn't fun anymore and he wanted out, but it infuriated him to realize that the door may have already been locked and bolted behind him, and the only two people left in the room were him and Harley Quinn._


	4. Trust Fund Baby

A drop of this. A dash of that. The Joker continued mixing chemical compounds into his beaker, pausing momentarily between each addition to reference his new equation with a scanning fingertip. Harley and Ivy had been gone for nearly three hours now and he could feel the tension from the anxiety growing in his neck and shoulders. He placed another drop of a clear liquid into the mixture and stepped back for a moment to close his tired eyes and stretch his neck with a grimace. A roaring noise like a flaming cannonball shot up quickly in front of him and his eyes flew open to find an orb of flames licking the ceiling around the perimeter where a blob the size of a tennis ball clung to it.

"AH!" The Joker squealed in a short high pitch before dashing to the edge of the bar to retrieve one of the three fire extinguishers. He pointed the nozzle and spastically sprayed the white substance around the flames, successfully diminishing them into a blackened circle on the ceiling. A few of the white flakes drizzled down like snow and he sighed with relief. Cocking his head to one side with a devious grin, he squinted one eye and stuck his tongue out before drawing another dot and a curved line to create a smiley face over his lab. He chuckled to himself and jumped slightly when he looked down to notice the petite brunette staring at him with blue eyes from the bedroom door.

"Hey there, Princess!", he greeted her with a smile, "I think I may have accidentally discovered a new weapon. The Dork Knight is gonna shit his tights, what do you think?"

Harley's face remained expressionless as she pulled off her wig and walked toward the bathroom door. The light caught the reflection of moist streaks on her cheeks and The Joker suddenly realized she was crying. He set the red canister down and tried to walk around the bar toward her, but she reached the bathroom before him and closed the door behind her, locking it with a _click_.

"Harley?" he knocked softly, "You alright?"

"I just want to be alone right now", she answered quietly from the other side.

He rested his forearm on the door above him and lowered his voice, "You know you'll always be her mother, Sweetness."

There was a long pause before she answered between a sob, "She doesn't…even remember me."

He didn't know what to say. He knew there was nothing he could ever say to extinguish the pain she felt and it made him feel like a helpless bystander to watch her suffer, but he hoped that his Christmas gift to her this year would help.

He checked his watch, "We gotta see the Landshark in about an hour, Love."

"Go without me."

"I need you there, Harley, it's important."

"Just go away and leave me alone."

He clenched his jaw in an attempt to control his temper. Her tone of voice set him on edge, but he was trying with all his might to remain calm given the situation. Hitting her now wouldn't do any good and he didn't feel like replacing the bathroom door for a third time.

"Thirty minutes", he answered shortly, attempting to sound sympathetic through his growing frustration.

Cracking his knuckles, he left the room and took a seat on the couch in the foyer, crossing and ankle over his knee while he stared at the blank screen of the television on the wall. Almost exactly thirty minutes passed by when Harley finally emerged from the bedroom, and The Joker's temper had fizzled back down to a glowing ember that he could better control. She walked quietly over and sat next to him on the couch without making eye contact.

"Does it ever get any easier?" she asked him quietly.

He put an arm around her and pulled her into his side, "No. You just learn how to get through the day after a while."

She laid her head onto his shoulder, "I don't want to make it through the day anymore."

"Don't talk like that", he scolded, standing up and pulling her to her feet, "Come on, I have a surprise that might make you feel better."

She raised an eyebrow, "You didn't get me another puppy did you?"

He laughed, "If I did that every time you got all sad and sappy, we'd own the Gotham City Zoo by now."

She grinned, "May not be a bad business move."

He reached over to the arm chair next to the couch and picked up his suit coat and fedora, "There you go with those ideas again."

"Well, one of us has to be the entrepreneur", she shrugged, smile widening, "Speaking of which, did you and Eddie ever talk about the club?"

"Not yet", he answered, slipping his arms through his coat and placing the fedora on his head, "I figured it could be our Christmas gift to him."

She reached up and began adjusting his crooked tie, "Isn't he Jewish?"

"Don't censor me, woman", he said with a grin and she giggled.

An hour later, they were waiting in the back seat of the black Cadillac in an alleyway behind the local Starbucks, impatiently glancing out the tinted windows while Joey kept watch for the police and The Bat from the driver's seat. The self-heating leather seats were a welcomed shield against the bitter December cold that fell from the sky in a heaping white powder, glistening against the dim lights of the city. The Joker checked his watch with a sigh and continued twirling the open switchblade in his palm while Harley stared out the window on her passenger side. The door handle clicked on The Joker's side and a frantic looking man in a brown suit leaned down into view outside the window.

The Joker rolled the window down only a crack, "Go around, Dummy!"

The man hurried around the back of the car, skidding in the ice on the street and nearly falling onto his back. Harley unlocked the door and he opened it to quickly step inside, snow falling onto the heated seats and immediately melting into large droplets of cold water which ran into the cracks. She scooted back closer to her husband to prevent the moisture from touching the fur of her favorite coat and his arm enclosed around her, pointing the sharp knife.

"You're late", he growled.

The man stared wide-eyed at the shiny weapon, nervously brushing the fallen strands of his messy comb-over back into place on his forehead.

"Yes, Mr. Napier, I do apologize. I was held up in a meeting and the traffic is simply impossible with all the snow and-"

"-Yawn, Brownie, you're makin' me sleepy", The Joker warned, "And what the hell have I told you about using my legal name, damnit. You're fuckin' up left and right tonight."

"Let's just get down to business, Mr. Brown", Harley interjected calmly, "Mr. J is hungry, and he gets cranky when he's hungry."

The Joker lowered his knife and began cleaning the underside of his fingernails with the tip the way he always did when he was anticipating something; Harley silently wondered what it was. The anxious lawyer pulled his leather briefcase up into this lap and popped open the two golden locks with a quick flick of his thumbs. A pile of scattered documents and an electronic pad rested inside. He pulled the pad free and touched the screen with the tip of his index finger, bringing it to life to shine brightly so it lit up the back of the dark vehicle.

"All of the necessary arrangements have been made for the trust fund, I only need your electronic signature to finalize the transfer, Mr. Joker", he said quickly, handing the pad over toward his client who took it with a smug grin. Harley was perplexed; her husband never did business without her.

"Trust fund? Transfer? Puddin', what's going on?" she questioned him as he drew his legal signature across the line on the bottom of the screen;

_Jack Napier_

"Mrs. Napier, would you like to sign as well? It is not required, but it will give you rights for transfer and disposal in the future", Mr. Brown suggested, holding the pad in front of her.

She pushed it away with an angry look at her smug husband, "I'm not signing a damn thing until I know what you've done."

He held his hands out innocently and attempted to hide his keen grin, "What d'ya mean _'done'_? "

"We always talk about where our money is going. Why is it suddenly different?"

"Maybe I wanted to surprise you."

"With _what_?"

He chuckled and placed an arm around her shoulders, "Alright now, Sugar, calm down. I wanted to give you somethin' that would make you feel like more a part of Angel's life. That signature I just gave puts about two million of our hard-earned cash into a trust fund account for her."

"No one else will be allowed to touch the funds once they are awarded to her on her eighteenth birthday, not even her parents", the lawyer added.

Harley shot him an angry glare and her husband shook his head slightly at him as a warning.

"I uh, I mean from a strictly legal standpoint, of course Mrs. Napier-"

"-_Quinn, _you Harvard reject!" she spat at him.

The Joker tightened his arm around her, "What'chu think, Darlin'? Two mill enough or should we throw in another three?"

Her blue eyes softened and she turned around to place a gentle hand on his scarred cheek, "You never cease to amaze me, you know that?"

She kissed him and the lawyer released a quiet sigh of relief.

"Remind me to thank you later", she winked at her husband and he grinned suggestively.

"Yes, Ma'am!"

Turning back around to face the now heavily perspiring lawyer, she snatched the pad from his hand and signed her own legal name on the bottom line below The Joker's;

_Harleen Quinzel-Napier_

Her husband scoffed at the print, "When are you gonna drop the 'Quinzel'?"

She rolled her eyes, "When are you going to drop that topic?"

"I married you so you would be mine in every way possible. It defeats the purpose of legal ownership if you keep your stupid last name in front of mine", he retorted with agitation.

"Puddin', you know I'm yours. I don't have to give up who I am for you to own me. I belong to you and only you."

The man in the brown suit snapped his fingers with sudden excitement, "That reminds me! Mr. Na-uh-Joker, I did some research on your behalf. According to law, now that you and Ms. Quinn are legally bound, you officially have a say in the manner of treatment she is to receive should she ever be returned to Arkham Asylum."

The Joker sat forward in his seat, "You mean I can tell them what they can and can't do with her?"

"Precisely, Sir. She will still receive the standard therapeutic treatment, but medications, hypnosis, and electroshock therapies will now be under your discretion to approve or deny."

"Standard meaning the usual 'blah blah, tell me about your feelings' routine?"

The man nodded with a smile and The Joker slapped his knee with a bounce in his seat, "Fuckin' A! That's the best news I've heard all year! Open that little pad thingy of yours and give yourself a bonus from me, Brownie. One million! Hell, it's the holidays, two million!"

Mr. Brown scrambled to open the account on the electronic pad, "That's very generous of you, Sir!"

"Haven't you heard? I'm a generous man, Brownie!"

Twelve stories directly above the vehicle, perched atop the boarder of the snowy rooftop, Robin listened to the conversation through his earpiece. Sticking a finger into his ear, he pressed the small button on the outside of the receiver and it beeped quietly.

"Did you get all of that?" he asked out loud.

"Yeah", a deep voice answered from the other side.

"You want me to take them down?"

"No, not on your own!"

The sidekick rolled his eyes, "I can handle it, Bruce. When are you gonna learn to trust me?"

"Just-", his answer was interrupted with a series of raspy coughs, "Ugh, just come back to the house. We'll sort out the details later."

"If you're so sick, why did you even bother letting me patrol tonight?"

"Taking out purse snatching thugs is different from The Joker and Harley Quinn. You know that."

Robin stood and kicked the pile of snow off the ledge with the edge of his boot, "You treat me like a kid!"

"Yeah well, tell it to Dick. Maybe you two can start a support group or something."

"Ass."

"Just come home. I want to start getting a room ready."

Robin watched as the small black dot that was the Cadillac below pulled away from the alleyway and into the darkness, "A room? For who?"

There was another long coughing fit on the other side and he grimaced with disgust at the wet sound of moving phlegm.

"A high security treatment room", Bruce answered hoarsely, "For Harleen Quinzel-Napier."


	5. Table Dancing

**Edward Nigma/The Riddler: Jude Law**

**Mr. Brown: Jason Alexander**

* * *

Mr. Brown had barely exited the vehicle and stepped into a half frozen puddle when the door to the Cadillac slammed shut behind him and pulled away. His foot broke through the thin superficial barrier of ice and sunk down into the frigid water with a _splash_. He immediately jerked it upward, throwing himself off balance so that he stumbled face first into the powdery snow on the dingy sidewalk. The briefcase flew from his hand and skidded across the cold concrete, but none of it could disrupt the overwhelming elation he felt in his gut. He was a millionaire two times over tonight. The Napiers had always been exceedingly generous with his legal compensations, but tonight had been far beyond anything he could ever have hoped to imagine. Maybe he would retire. No, he couldn't do that. The crazed Clown and his psychotic bride would surely slit his throat and use his skin as a decorative welcome mat for whatever retched residence they dwelled in; probably an abandoned cave somewhere full of rotting bodies. He shuddered at the notion as he stood to his feet and brushed the snow from his sleeves, wondering just how such a vicious and seemingly soulless couple could set aside millions in the interest of a child who shared not even an ounce of their genetic line. He walked over to his briefcase and scooped it from the pavement before starting merrily down the darkened alleyway toward his old car, which he planned on replacing first thing in the morning.

"Where to, Boss?" Joey asked from the driver's seat.

Harley was planting wild kisses all over The Joker's face and he grimaced while he tried unsuccessfully to repel her passionate attempts to climb over him and straddle his lap in the back seat.

"The…club…Harley! Cut it out, not in front of the hired help!" he demanded in frustration, but she was relentless. "Harley, come on, I'll fuck you later. Back off!"

He slapped her face and she halted her attack to stare at him with a wide smile, "That was the sweetest and most romantic thing you have ever done, Puddin'!"

"You like that, huh? I knew you were a masochist", he quipped.

She pushed his shoulder, "The trust fund!"

"Happy?"

"Ecstatic."

He smirked at her and she leaned in slowly for a more seductive kiss, pulling at his bottom lip gently with her teeth and caressing his tongue with hers. He pulled away with a moan and pushed her down into the seat next to him.

"Harley, come on, you're givin' me wood."

She giggled quietly and straightened the end of her lavender sweater dress over her black leggings while he readjusted his belt and suit coat with a discontented grumble.

"Most men would kill for a woman with a libido like mine, ya know", she teased, running the tip of her finger gently down his arm from shoulder to elbow.

He lifted his fedora for a moment to brush his hair back beneath it, looking down at her with a raised eyebrow and a keen grin, "Your libido would kill most men."

She giggled again and laid her head down onto his shoulder while the car bounced silently through the dark streets toward the _Grin and Bare It_.

"How long do we have to be here?", she asked him when the car pulled into the alleyway behind the building.

Joey placed the vehicle into park and stepped out to open the door on The Joker's passenger side.

"You don't like coming here anymore, Princess?"

"I don't like the way those girls look at you."

He rolled his eyes as he stepped out into the snowy street, turning to hold out a hand for her, "We aren't gonna have this conversation again are we?"

Harley took his hand and stepped out into the cold, pulling her fur coat tightly around her body, "No, I'm just saying-"

"-I hear you, alright? I know", he grabbed he lapels of his suit and shot her a wink, "It's not my fault I'm so damned good lookin'."

She smacked his chest and he flinched with a chuckle before throwing an arm around her. The metal back door to the club opened and the thudding of loud techno music poured into the alley while one of the large bouncers stood in the doorway and waited for them to enter.

"Evnin' Sir, Ma'am."

Their coats were taken and they were shown up to the usual VIP room where their mutual friend, Edward Nigma, was waiting patiently for them with a glass of whiskey. His green bowler had had been removed and placed onto the smooth wooden surface of the table in front of him and his feet were propped comfortably onto one of the leather bound chairs, toes tapping to the rhythm of the music from the stage room downstairs.

"Now that is one happy looking business owner", The Joker mentioned as he and Harley entered the room.

Nigma stood to shake his hand with a smile, "Hey there, partner."

"Not anymore, I'm not."

The man in the green suit looked confused and Harley kissed his cheek with a grin before taking a seat.

"I don't understand", he said.

The Joker sat next to his wife just as a scantily clad redhead entered the room carrying a small glass of Jack and Coke which she set in front of him on the table. Harley's eyes locked onto her, but the young woman maintained her gaze onto the ground.

"Is there anythin' I can get for you, Ms. Quinn?", she asked.

The blonde was surprised. The dancers and waitresses would normally dote and salivate over her handsome husband and remain completely oblivious to her existence, but this one, she was smart. Harley's glare relaxed and she looked at The Joker who was watching her with an amused expression.

"I'm fine, thank you."

The girl bowed slightly before leaving the room in a hurry.

The Joker released a boisterous laugh, "They're afraid of you, Sweetness, nice work."

Nigma joined him while she smiled confidently and sat back in her seat, "It's about damn time."

The men took a drink from their glasses and The Joker removed his fedora to place on the table.

"Now", he began, "Down to business. Harley and I have a little early Christmas present for you."

"Puddin'-"

"-Hanukah, whatever", he interrupted her with a wave of his hand.

She pressed her palm on the table and spread her fingers, controlling the urge to retaliate with a sarcastic comment. The middle finger of her right hand still refused to straighten completely since he had broken it a few years ago. She had used it to throw him a vulgar gesture during a heated argument, and he had snapped it without hesitation. His temper had always been one of his least charming qualities, but she had finally learned to pick her battles.

"It's fine", Nigma commented calmly, "I don't concern myself with the specific details."

"So, as I was saying, our gift to you", The Joker took another drink and laid a hand over Harley's, "The club, it's yours. All of it."

The man in green nearly choked on his beverage, "Joker, that's so very generous of you."

The Joker looked at his wife, "Why is everyone always surprised by that fact?"

"I don't mean it to be offensive, it's just so unexpected. You mean you really don't want a dime for your half?"

"Nope. We make enough on our little toy company investment, and this place has caused enough tension between us in the past", he glared over at Harley, "Even if it was _your _idea in the first damn place."

She smiled with sigh, "I'm a woman. I don't know what I want."

He lifted his glass to his lips, "Don't give me that shit."

Nigma chuckled and she winked at him.

"So that's it", The Joker continued with a slap of the table, "I'll have my Landshark talk to your Landshark and it's done. You can keep it all to yourself or split the place with Croc. Whatever, my hands are clean of this place."

"I hope you'll come back for a visit now and then", their friend said with a grin as the waitress re-entered the room.

"I'll stop in for a drink or two."

"And what about you my dear Ms. Quinn?"

She shook her head, "Sorry, Eddie, I've seen enough fake tits to last a lifetime. You can come by and visit at the House anytime you want, though."

"That, I shall do."

The Joker tipped his head back and finished the rest of his drink just as the skimpy waitress placed another in front of him. He waved his hand with a shake of his head and she quickly grabbed the glass to retreat from the room and as far away from Harley as possible. The blonde snickered to herself as she watched her leave, nearly jumping out of her leather seat when the warm touch of a pair of fingertips caressed the inside of her thigh, headed for the crotch of her leggings beneath the table. Taking a quick breath and holding it, she glanced over at her husband who was watching her reaction through the corner of his eye.

"What are your plans for the 'whatever-it's-called' holiday, Ed?" he asked casually, as if he were not gently caressing the intimate regions beneath his wife's dress.

Harley slowly released the breath she was holding and attempted to relax in her seat while the hot blood rushed to her face, spreading into her fair cheeks and pounding in her ears.

"I have a riddle prepared for our dear Dark Knight which you should very much enjoy, but I'll keep the details a surprise."

The Joker laughed, "I always did love your little games! Harley and I have been planning somethin' of our own to take place at Arkham Asylum later next year. Maybe you'd like to be in on it?"

"I'd consider it an honor!"

"Splendid! I still need to talk to a man of mine on the inside, but the plans are coming together very well."

Harley was on the verge of losing her mind, but fortunately, Nigma was far too distracted by the conversation.

"Who is this man on the inside? Anyone I know?", he asked.

"Nah, he's a nobody guard named Frank Boles. Helped us escape about this time last year. He's getting us some codes and maps together, Harley's doing the schematics, I'm on pyrotechnics, of course, and there's a witless doctor doing some research for us right now; should have our very own monster army roaming the streets in this cesspool of a city in a few months."

"Monsters?"

"Ever heard of a guy named Bane?"

Harley lost her senses for a moment and released a moan of delighted pleasure. The two men looked over at her and The Joker successfully maintained an ignorant expression of subtle innocence while her face filled with blood again, this time from sheer humiliation.

She cleared her throat and smiled sweetly, "Finally got that place in my back to pop."

"Mr. Nigma", one of the bouncers appeared in the doorway, "Someone's here ta see you, Sir."

The man in green picked up his bowler hat as he stood from the table, "Please excuse me a moment."

The Joker nodded at him and flinched when Harley's powerful little fist connected with his sore shoulder.

"What the hell are you trying to do to me?" she asked him with a grin.

He put an arm around her on the back of the leather booth and leaned in close to her, "Tryin' to prove to you that I'm _not_ interested in the strippers."

"Well, stop it! You're driving me crazy!"

He chuckled and grabbed her thigh between his long fingers, "You're just lucky those tights are in my way, Mrs. Napier."


	6. Operation

"Harley, my sweet, hand me the hammer", The Joker said calmly to her over his shoulder.

The man lying beneath him struggled in his bindings and the expression of rage his face once held immediately melted into one of irrational terror. A short blonde in low braided pigtails and black diamond eyes appeared behind The Joker, holding out the wooden handle with a blood-thirsty smile.

"Want me to hold the nail steady for you, Puddin'?", she asked him, stroking his long hair gently between her fingertips.

"That would be very helpful, thank you", he smiled at her before looking back down at his victim with a wink, "Ain't she a peach?"

Harley kneeled down over the man's head and placed the sharp tip of the long, thick nail to the skin of his forehead.

"Now, if I do this right", The Clown Prince began, squinting an eye and sticking his tongue between his teeth as if he were lining up two points on a canvas, "I may be able to get this puppy straight though the two hemispheres of your useless brain. Not that I'd be trying, mind you, but you might just get lucky. You believe in luck, Chuck?"

Harley giggled sweetly at his rhyme.

"I-I already told you what I know, man! Everything, I swear!" the captive pleaded desperately.

The Joker sighed with an air of disappointment, "Chucky, Chucky, Chucky. Ya know, the only thing I hate worse than a liar is a _bad_ liar."

He tapped the flat end of the nail with the heavy metallic head of the hammer and the man, usually known as Charley, screamed and thrashed his legs while the blood trickled down the sides of his forehead. The tip was now imbedded into his skin, but he was unsure if it had actually penetrated his skull yet. Harley grinned ear to ear with delight as she watched him. Charley stared up at her with dilated pupils and thought she looked like the Devil in disguise, perhaps they both were.

"I grow impatient with you, Chucky", The Joker's voice warned him before tapping the nail again, this time driving it into the bone.

The helpless thug yelped in pain and cringed at the crackling sound that echoed through his skull.

"I don't know nothin' else, I swear on anythin'!" he screamed.

The Joker took aim with the hammer again, but was interrupted by the ringing of a cellular phone in his pocket. He growled with frustration and dug inside his suit coat for the device, eyes still locked onto his victim.

"What?", he yelled into the receiver.

Harley had rigged the satellite network around Gotham so that her husband could now send and receive phone calls without the worry of being tracked. It had been a year long project that she finally finished in time for the holidays; her present to him. He stood from his position, hammer still in his grasp, and walked a few paces away from them.

"Yeah", he continued, listening to the voice on the other end, "Yeah, yeah he told me already. What? Well, then _get _the codes, Frankie, it's not multiple choice."

The blonde slowly stood up straight over the man still lying on the concrete floor of the warehouse, nail firmly imbedded in the bloody center of his forehead. She glanced up at The Joker for a moment, then back down at him, malice in her blue eyes. Lifting a leather boot from the floor, she placed the sole of her toes onto the end of the nail and pressed down slowly. The pain shot through Charley's every thought once again and he began to kick and yell out in pain while the female devil smiled down at him in satisfaction.

"Harley!" The Joker snapped, turning to face her with an angry expression on his greasepainted features, "D'you mind? I'm on the phone!"

She quickly removed her foot and clasped her hands behind her, twisting her shoulders side to side with a mischievously abashed grin. His anger faded and he shook his head at her with a keen grin before turning back around to continue his phone conversation.

"You always do what he says?", Charley asked from below and her face lowered to look down at him, "You're nothin' but his little bitch, aren't you? I bet he smacks you around, too."

She smiled, "Only if I'm a good little girl and ask him to real nicely."

He was trying to get under her skin, hoping that she would snap and kill him quickly before the other devil finished his phone call and returned with the hammer. Unfortunately for him, Harley Quinn was not the kind who enjoyed a quick ending. She much more preferred to drag out her victims' suffering and toy with them like a kitten with a fly whose wings had been torn from its body. She also knew that if she was patient, her generous lover would allow her to have her fun with him after he was done.

"You two's is just a couple a'sick freaks", he squeaked in a hoarse voice.

She smirked at his transparent attempts to conceal his sheer terror and stepped over him so that each foot was on either side of his head. Gargling in her throat, she pursed her lips and released a thin string of spit that slid its way down toward his head like a spider on the end of its sticky web. He wriggled and attempted to move away from it in disgust. Just as it was only inches from his head, she slurped loudly and it retreated back into her mouth where the lips parted into a devious smile.

"That's fuckin' gross, you whore!" Charley protested.

The Joker ended the call and sauntered over to them, chuckling in his throat, "You should be thankin' your lucky stars she's still feeling playful, Chuck. When she gets bored, that's when things get _really _dirty."

"Look, man, if you two's is gonna kill me then just do it already. I ain't got no more info for ya, alright?"

The Joker clicked his tongue on his teeth in disapproval, "Precious Pie, I gotta make another call. You wanna see if you can loosen his tongue while I step out for a minute?"

He handed her the hammer and she grinned with glee, almost shaking with anticipation as she took the weapon in both hands. Starting for the back door to exit the warehouse, he pulled the phone from his pocket again and began dialing before turning back for a moment.

"And Harley", he started as he stood in the open door. She looked back at him, fire in her eyes, "Just _loosen_ his tongue. He'll need to keep it if he's gonna talk, ya know?"

He disappeared behind the metal door and closed it with a _click_. Charley began to hyperventilate as he lay under the piercing cool stare of the notoriously sadistic Clown Princess. She began to circle him slowly like a wolf around its prey, round hips swaying with each step, eyes hardly blinking.

"Whore. Funny you would say that, Chucky. I learned a bit of fun trivia about whores in Japan just the other day", her words were dark in their new low octave, as if her voice had suddenly changed into someone else's completely, "Do you know how they use to punish the whores in the brothels when they misbehaved? They would shove bamboo shoots into their nailbeds, right up to the quick. You need a pretty face and a pretty body to be fuckable, but who cares about some missing fingernails, right?"

Charley could feel himself begin to relax. If she was planning on torturing him by shoving objects under his nails, then her malice had been greatly exaggerated on the streets. He would much rather deal with her tedious excuses for torment than the ones he knew The Joker was capable of.

"I mean, can you imagine? That's a pretty sensitive area, the nailbeds. Lots and lots of nerve endings, not to mention a surprisingly hefty supply of blood. Must have really smarted", she paused her pacing for a moment in deep thought before releasing a sigh, "But I digress."

She kneeled down next to him and pulled out a switchblade, flicking it open to run it along the buttons of his shirt, tearing it open to expose his bare chest and abdomen.

"Did you know I use to be a doctor, Chuck?" she asked him as if in casual conversation at a local café. He shook his head and she nodded at him, pointing at her head, "Oh yeah, I was a head doc. Ya know, dealt with all the coo-coos. Who would have guessed I'd turn out to be one of them, eh? Now that is just as ironic as it gets, am I right?"

He wasn't sure exactly where she was headed with all of this, but he began to feel his body shake uncontrollably when she ran a soft finger from his collar bone down to his navel.

"Thing about psychiatry is", she continued as she drew with her fingertip, "We're all a little mad, some of us more than others. So there's no real cure. I mean, the deranged treating the crazy? It's completely insane, if you'll pardon the pun."

If it weren't for the bloodlust in her gaze he may have thought she was seducing him, but his better judgment warned him against her tricks.

"So, I should have gone with my…gut", she dropped her small fist into his stomach to emphasize the final word and he coughed as the air was knocked from him, "And become what I _really_ wanted to be. What I'm really good at…"

The blade of the knife reflected in his wide eyes as he stared down in panic.

"…a surgeon."

Outside the warehouse, The Joker chewed on the end of his unlit cigar while he searched for another number in his smart phone. The terrible shrieks emitting from inside were spine chilling, but they floated on the cold night air like a pleasant melody to his ears. He would have liked to be the one causing them, but Harley had been itching to take control all night, and it was the holidays after all. He decided he would let her play through one more phone call, then he would return to finish pulling out what information he needed before he let her end him. Placing the earpiece to his head, it rang nearly six times before he decided to give up on the call and try again later. He returned the device to his inside pocket before opening the large metal door and stepping back inside. Charley was lying in a pool of his own blood, groaning weakly with heavy lids, bowels exposed and hanging from their mesenteric connections within the clean cut Harley had created. But she wasn't there.

"Damnit", he muttered angrily under his breath, "Girl got carried away again."

He walked with long strides over to the dying man and poked at the side of his nail-spiked head with the toe of his shoe. His eyes were fluttering and rolling back into this head, skin pale and clammy.

"Hey! You got somethin' to say to me before you go? Any last words?"

The eyes rolled back again and his breathing ceased.

"Of course fuckin' not", The Joker threw his cigar down in his fury, "Harley! Get your razor-happy ass out here!"

His voice echoed off the tall walls and high ceilings, but there was not answer.

"HARELY! You better show your face, girl, if you don't want it broken into a million pieces!"

The silence only further incensed him and he swore he would beat the hell out of her when he finally got his hands on her.

He arched his back and screamed with all his might, "HAR-LEY!"

The heat of blood filled his face and beat in his ears, but it wasn't like her not to come to him when he called her; even if she knew he intended to teach her a lesson. He began to stomp toward the metal doors again, but halted in his tracks when he noticed the reflection of shattered glass that littered the concrete floor. Looking above him, he could see that the middle panel of the large skylight had been broken through and his anger faded into concern. He took off in a fast jog and burst through the doors, calling to his henchmen who were seated in the parked car in the dark alley.

"Joey! Sean! Harley in there with you?"

They exchanged a glance and Joey rolled down the window of the driver's side door, "No, Sir. Hadn't seen her since she went in the building with you."

The Joker gritted his teeth with a growl and ran toward the car, throwing open the back door to jump inside.

"I got kindergarten rejects behind the scenes of this damned operation, shit's falling through the cracks as it is, and now I gotta break Harley the fuck outta Arkham!" he groaned in the backseat as the Cadillac pulled onto the street.

"But Boss", Sean responded, "Couldn't she just stay in there? I mean, you're gonna be puttin' the plan into place _at_ Arkham so-ouch!"

The Joker's gloved hand met with the back of the henchman's head, "Who the hell do ya think is helpin' me _plan_ the damn plan, you idiot!"

"At least they can't mess with her head now, eh Boss?" Joey asked bravely.

"Yeah, yeah", The Joker grumbled as he pulled out his phone again and hit the 'return dial' for _Frank Boles_.

The face of the phone was becoming caked with white grease paint and he had to continuously wipe at it for a visible screen.

The gruff voice answered on the other end, "Yeah, this is Frank."

"Harley's on her way to Arkham. Let me know when she gets there", The Joker demanded shortly before hanging up the phone.

The next evening, The Joker awoke to the ringing of his phone on the bedside table next to Harley's empty side of the large bed they shared.

"What?", he answered groggily.

"Mr. Joker, are you sure Ms. Quinn was on her way here?", Frank asked on the other end.

"Huh?"

"It's just, she ain't here. I checked the computers and everythin'. She ain't been checked in since the last time you two was here together."

The Joker sat up in bed, hanging up the phone with a swipe of his thumb. He stumbled into the foyer to find Joey sitting at his post with the security monitors.

"Harley come home?" he asked him.

"No, Sir."

He scratched his head in agitation, "Where the fuck is that girl?"

Harley stirred and grunted, stretching the muscles of her relaxed limbs. Her cot was unusually soft, she thought. Normally, she would have awoken in Arkham with an aching back and sore muscles, but as her drug induced sleep lifted, she was immediately aware of the soft mattress as well as the general lack of typical Arkham Asylum scent; like a sterile hospital. Her lids parted slightly and she peered around the large room. Its walls were wood paneling, not white pleather padding. Shelves were build into the walls in different places, but there were no books upon them. Smooth slits of light bled into the room from outside and she turned her head to find large metal bars constructed over the glass of the window. Her head snapped toward the metal door that looked painfully out of place against the wooden walls. Sitting up, her head throbbed behind her eyes and she squinted to adjust them while she further observed her surroundings; a room completely bare except for the mattress on which she sat, which was placed on the floor with no frame and no box-springs. It looked as though it has once served as a personal office within someone's home before it was built into a prison for her.

"Who would dare?" she whispered angrily to herself.

"How's your head?" a dark voice spoke from the direction of the metal door.

She returned her attention to it to discover that it had a small square paneling in the top middle section which could be slid back from the other side. The muscles in her jaw protruded and her fists clenched at the sight of the figure which spoke to her through the small whole. His face was a blackened shadow, but his pointed ears gave him away instantly.

"Where the hell am I, _Bats_?"

**To Be Continued**


End file.
